There I was standing in front of the mirror. Naked. That was my usual routine before every date, before I wear my clothes. Staring of what I have, I smiled elatedly but suddenly, it faded as if I saw a horrific accident. Or maybe it was one?
“Oh my Lord, don’t tell me my left breast is bigger than the right one!”I panicked, my eyes bulged in disgust and I was staring in disbelief at my breasts as if they were diamonds from Africa. This could not be right. My body was supposed to be flawless and now, I have an instant fever trying to digest this shit.
“Mallory, calm down. You cannot panic and cancel your date just because your boobs. Ken is a hunk and you will regret to your deathbed if you are not seeing him today.” I told myself. Still naked and pretended that it would not bother me.
Ken is 29, I met him at a bar which I usually go to and hell yes, he is ultra hot. Today is the first date and I have to see him by all means. Losing him is like losing a pair of ankle-length Pucci boots and no, I will not let that happen especially if the boots are fire engine red.
Okay fine. My left breast is bigger, so what? I grabbed my yellow dress which was very exposed at the centre from my pink hanger and tried it on. I would always wear sexy clothes to my first dates. Girls should be blessed with their assets and as for me, why not flaunt them? I stood in front of the mirror.
“Shit! The difference is obvious. God, why me?” I could not relax and my mind started racing. My breasts looked like an unfinished boob job. As if the doctor only meddled with my left breast and right after the last jab, he was shot dead. This cannot be real.
I grinned suddenly. I took tissues from the box and stuffed it in my bra. In fact, a lot of them. Now, I looked great with my proportionate boobs(yes!), snatched my 3-inch white heels with a big ribbon at the front(loved it), slipped them at my feet and headed to Matin Café. That café is the regular cafe I go to on my first dates. The ambiance of the café is casual, with a great scenery of the town. I walked briskly to the café since it was only 4 blocks away.
When I got there, Ken was not there yet. So I sat alone at the table reserved, took my loose powder out and dabbed it on my sweaty face.
“Oh my god! Mally, are you on a first date again? Where is Dan? I just saw you here 2 days ago right?” That was Sandra. My best girlfriend, my ex-roommate, my shoulders when I cried.
“Sandy, oh my. Stop calling me Mally. I sound like a toddler. Yes I am dating another guy. His name is Ken and Dan was nothing but crap. He was a total jerk. What are you doing here anyways?”
“I am here with Robert to have lunch. Dan was a jerk? What did he do?” Sandra was curious.
“Well, he said he loved my belly. What does that mean Sandy?” I sighed.
“No he didn’t! You know you are not fat honey. That scruffy dog. How dare he!” Sandra was always good at dramas and my eyes were just staring at her earrings. I knew those earrings. I saw them in Vogue. They were from Chopard and the earrings looked so great to the extent that I did not realize Ken had already seated in front of me.
Ken is an accountant working in the Prime Towers. He looked hot in his green tees and faded jeans. The sunglass he wore hid the blue eyes which I could stare all night long. They are so powerful and I thought yesterday if I stared too long, I could be in the world of Narnia. Of course, I did not want to be there because a) there is no salon I can go to, to have a treatment, b) it is not funny to talk to talking animals and c) I could not go to Saks to manicure.
“Sandy, this is my boyfrrrr….i mean my friend, Ken.” I was blushing, embarrassed with what I almost said when this is only the first date.
“Hello Ken. Nice to meet you. Mally, oops, I mean Mallory has talked a lot about you.” Shit. She called me Mally, in front of Ken. Thanks a bunch Sandra for helping me in my first date with him. Ken chuckled a bit and Sandy gave me a ‘I-did-not-mean-to-call-you-Mally’ look. We waved goodbye and now it is the most interesting part, bonding with a guy.
I just love bonding with guys. I love to lie a lot, please them and with that, voila, a relationship. I am never serious with my relationship. I change my boyfriends like I change shoes. Seducing men is my forte and nobody could do that like I do. I never got dumped because they believe the relationship is real when in reality, I was never serious. Sometimes I ponder, am I being a mean bitch? Maybe. Dating is fun and dumping men can be satisfying, a stress-reliever and an anti depressant stimulant.
I am Mallory and Mallory is dating. This means she is having some fun. I grinned. Let us get the ball rolling.
“Hi sweetheart. You look hot today.” I smiled casually, tossing my brunette hair back, showing some skin. I know my shoulder is glowing or supposed to glow because I applied the loose powder before I left the house. I find the shimmer sexy to men.
“Thanks Mally. I mean Mallory.” He chuckled. He smiled while staring right into my eyes. This son of a bitch is clearly testing me. It was his first word on our first date and I find it already challenging to hit this guy. In fact, I did not know what to say. I was embarrassed by the name Mally. It felt like when somebody knew you are wearing a fake Chanel purse and giggled when seeing it. Darn. Should I say ‘Mally is a cute name isn’t it?’ or ‘Shut up you Ken. Don’t you dare mess up with me because I am dumping you in a few days?’ or should I just leave?
Hell no, this guy is obviously not defeating me. I still smiled when part of me felt I want to hit him with a hammer and nail his lips. “Sandy is my best friend and she did not like me calling her Sandy, so she called me Mally. How atrocious.” I laughed a bit, cracking a joke and he did not even smile. That was not funny? This guy is rude.
“Anyway, what do you like to do when you are free?” I asked in a sultry voice, in a way, hoping I could change the topic.
“I love acupuncture. I find it relaxing and spiritually enhancing.”
“Really? I love acupunctual too!” I said in an excited tone. Wait, it was not acupunctual. It was acupuncture. I knew it had something to do with needles and I screwed that one. Rule number one, always fake your interest in favour of theirs. It helps. But now, it is a complete mess.
I looked at him and he was trying so hard not to laugh. I felt stupid saying that word and looking at him struggling to be polite just lit a fire behind my vivacious hair. Fine, it was acupuncture. I said it wrong but whatever! My face reddened like a cherry.
“So, since you like acupuncture,” Ken said cynically. “Which acupuncture centre do you go to?”
This cannot be happening. Not only I do not have any idea what the hell acupuncture is, now he is asking me which centre do I go to? This is worse than when the Titanic hit the iceberg. My lips froze like ice cubes. What should I say?
“Em, around Rail Square, the one facing Boots. Have you been there?” I asked convincingly. I did not know what I was talking about. Pure shit, I made that up. He looked as if he was thinking though. Yes, I am dominating this game now. Kudos to the prettiest, vogue and the most beautiful lady in the world(that is me,duhh.)
“Oh, I haven’t. Maybe you can bring me there some other time?”Gulp. That place does not even exist.
“Sure sweetheart. You will love it.” I faked a smile.
“Anyways, are you free tomorrow night?”He asked. I was sipping my tea. My heart pounded slightly. I was delighted. Has he fallen for me? Maybe he wanted to have some intimate time and thought tomorrow would be a perfect time. No problem at all. Who doesn’t want fun especially with this guy who has rocking abs? Rule number two: never say no when he invites you to his place for the first time. It signals sex. Unless he is as ugly as a sick dog and he is a jerk, then say no. But definitely, not in this case.
“Of course honey. Any plans?” I stared him in the eyes, a very seducing stare. I might have nailed this. Easy.
“Okay then. I thought of going to my regular acupuncture centre. Since you love them too, why not we have the treatments together?” He suggested.
My tea suddenly felt like acid. What the hell? No sex but some needles penetrating my skin? This is not funny. That rule did not help. I felt helpless. I felt like a fat mermaid who could not swim anymore. Yes, that bad.
“ Sure Ken. Sure.” I said rather hesitantly but I knew I could not lose in this battle.
I am not going to lose. I am not going to lose. I am not going to lose. Period.
